So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
