I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
Randomize
