The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
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