I like to think it a success when the cops are called
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Randomize
