When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
