i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
The dick lei will go down in squad history
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
