the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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