I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
Randomize
