He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
I want to be your penis for a week.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
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