just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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