hahahahahahhahahahaha. 26, Dominican, has a funny accent, thinks I'm hot. Tots boning.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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