The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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