Define "chronic" masturbator.
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
