i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
Last thing I remember is Dusty riding the bikes we "borrowed" from the hotel through the CVS while the rest of us picked up the girls who were laughing at him
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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