Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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