she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
he's hot he just has too much baggage, and has really fucking skinny ankles which freaks me out
you aren't having sex with his ankles, As long as knee caps and above are good, i'd go for it
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
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