How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
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