I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Randomize
