I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
