I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
