I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
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