Four minutes until I can fart!
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
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