is it bad that i kinda- ok, reallyyy don't remember having sex with him last night?
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
