I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
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