Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
Redeem this text for a blowjob
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
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