remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
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