Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
