Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
Randomize
