I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Randomize
