Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
Randomize
