Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Randomize
