I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
Randomize
