She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Randomize
