omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
my vag is so smooth its legendary
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Randomize
