i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
