I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
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