Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
Randomize
