I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
Come share oat with me in your robe
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
