The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
why didn't you poke me back
i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
Randomize
