I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
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