why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
Randomize
