I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Randomize
