She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
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