I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
