So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
Well u missed Autumn's newly 21 yrs old sister flashing her tits and standing on the bar last night.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
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