haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
This sounds like "Sober" Ericka. Sorry that message wasn't for you. I only do business with "Fell off the wagon" Ericka. Please pass that message along to her.
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
