I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
