All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
