So drunk its hurt
Good. I was naked most of the night. But sometimes I would wear my tux vest...But only my tux vest. It was classy
Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
Randomize
