I hate all girls vehemently.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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